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(Writing this post was emotionally draining to me, so I apologize if it seems a bit disjointed or if it seems I am jumping from one subject to another.  It’s also a bit different than my usual sex posts – so consider yourself fair warned.)

I tend to write a lot about sex.  A big aspect of my relationship with Mad Baker (and Victor) tend to revolve around sex – not the whole aspect of each relationship, but a large part of it.  But to me, being submissive is far more than just sexual behavior.

To me, a big aspect of submission is being feminine.  Now, I don’t want to hear comments about how dominant women can be feminine too, or how submissive men can still be manly while being submissive.  I accept all of that and do not discourage it!  But submission means something different to each individual, and to me, it is intricately and irreversibly tied to my sense of feminine self.

To that respect, I find I have always felt drawn to the old-fashioned aspects of womanhood – housekeeping, sewing, crocheting, cooking, canning, and just general traditional female responsibilities.

I want to make my bed each morning with a quilt that I spent several painstaking hours creating.  I want to prepare meals for my family with food that I grew and stored.  I want to send my kids off to school with homemade cookies rather than store-bought.  I want to wear clothing that I created.  I want people to walk into my home and stand in awe of the comfortable and relaxing hideaway that I designed.

I want to see Mad Baker come home from work to sit in a comfortable chair by the fireplace on a cold winter night.  I want to kneel at his feet, remove his boots and massage the aches of the workday out of his soles.  I want to see him curled up on the couch with a blanket that I crocheted while he laughs at the news program on the T.V.

I want our children to feel that home is an oasis from the pressures of daily life.  Growing up is a stressful thing to do, I want to ease that pressure as much as humanly possible.  I want them to bring friends home, and see the sense of pride as they show off their room and their treasures.

Unfortunately, reality rushes in on my dreams like a cast-iron skillet to the head.

I am not the greatest housekeeper, I freely admit.  When I was a child, I grew up in a home that was run by an insane man with control issues.  If there was a single speck of dirt anywhere, you were guaranteed that you would be yelled at and smacked around a little.  On bad days, you WISHED you were just smacked around a little.  Housecleaning was an activity that was full of fear…I remember washing the dishes three times before rinsing and drying, because I KNEW that a single speck on a dish would bring pain and punishment…and that was just one of my chores.

A side effect of this upbringing is that I feel incredibly anxious when the house is close to perfect, cleanliness-wise.  For example, the other week I had the kitchen near-spotless.  Dishes were done, the floor had been mopped (by hand, no less), the cupboards had been wiped down, the stove taken apart and thoroughly scoured.  Mad Baker walked into the room just as I noticed that there were some splatters on the wall from having fried chicken earlier that evening.  And as he walked in, I cringed, fully expecting to be smacked across the face for failing in my duties.

(a reaction which kinda annoys Mad Baker, I know, because he has NEVER hit me outside of a BDSM scene.  He’s just not an abusive man.   And of course Mad Baker didn’t hit me – in fact he complimented me on how quickly I had gotten the kitchen clean, and then invited me to join him for some television.)

I feel shame when I feel that way.  On one hand, my reaction is completely understandable.  But that doesn’t make it right.

The only way I have found to be able to handle this reaction is to keep parts of the house intentionally cluttered.  Not filthy, but cluttered.  An example – like most women with multiple kids, I don’t always get the laundry put away immediately after it is washed.  But in my case, the clutter centers my emotions.  Seeing it there in an otherwise clean room reminds me that I won’t get beaten or hurt for not having put it away…it’s gotten to the point where I always make sure there is at least one load there for my own comfort!  And this is not a healthy reaction.

I want to be able to present my Dom(s) with a clean house…but the reality is, a clean house causes such anxiety that I can’t bring myself to do it.  And this leaves me feeling like a failure, both as a woman and as a submissive.  My desires to present a clean and comfortable home clash with my need to reduce my anxiety.

So for the next several weeks…months…well, honestly, however long it takes…I will be working on becoming a better homemaker.  Learning to deal with these anxiety issues, and working beyond them.  I know this isn’t what most people are used to reading on my blog, but damn it, it’s my blog and I am going to type whatever I feel applies to submission…and to me, homemaking is a HUGE part of my submission.

There will still be entries about sex – but those will be intermixed with entries about homemaking and womanhood in general.  Feel free to comment on anything I say, I encourage feedback and criticism.  I hope this post wasn’t too much of a downer to any of my readers.

~hugs~ from patricialynn

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An unexpected surprise!

Every day when the kids don’t have school, we have “quiet time” – they lay down with a good book and I get a couple hours break from parenting (comes in handy sometimes).

Well, Mad Baker has been gone since noon yesterday, and he wasn’t expected back until 9am Monday morning (long work shifts).  I was a little horny, but I don’t take time to masturbate while the kids are awake.  So I sat at the computer and did a little flirting with several other kinky people I know (including Mad Baker himself, and two other Dominants).

After a while I get a call from MB.  “Let me in” he says.  “Huh?” I asked intelligently.  “I’m at the front door, but it’s locked – let me in!”  In disbelief I went to the front door and removed the chain…and sure enough, there stood MB in his medic uniform.

In puzzlement I followed him into the bedroom.  He reached for his thumb drive, pocketed it, and then shut the bedroom door before pushing me down to the bed.

In one swift motion, he lifted my skirt and drove his fingers into me, rubbing my clit at the same time until I exploded.  I felt a huge gush and knew I had cum all over the bedding…he smirked and told me to cover myself before he opened the bedroom door.  I barely got my skirt pulled back down in time!

As I sat there, stunned, I heard the front door slam as he left.  I don’t even think he was in the house for a full 60 seconds, but in that time he managed to give me one hell of an orgasm!

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Sick

Sorry there hasn’t been an update on this blog for a couple weeks – we had a huge road trip coming up and then, after we got back, I fell ill.  I will be up to sitting at the computer publishing sexy blog posts soon.

I hope everyone else out there is feeling healthy and happy.

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Product Review: The Eroscillator

Oh boy did I have an exciting night the other night!  My birthday present arrived in the mail, and even though my birthday is still over a week away, Mad Baker got eager and decided to open the present early.

The present turned out to be the Eroscillator, one of the hottest clit vibes on the market.  This is the clit teaser recommended by Dr. Ruth Westhiemer!  And after he used it on me, Mad Baker required me to write a review here in my blog.

I liked the way it was packaged – I was blindfolded at the time Mad Baker unwrapped it, but I could tell it didn’t take him long at all.  Later, I got a look at the packaging and was rather pleased with it.

In the past, I have dealt with frustration, trying to open a package while in the heat of need, and unable to pry the damn thing open.  This package was designed so that it could be opened without having to grab scissors or a blade, which was nice.

I tried to compare the Eroscillator to my old favorite, the Hitachi Magic Wand – and the Eroscillator beat it in EVERY respect.

The first and most obvious difference was the cord.  I have been frustrated with my Hitachi in the past because the cord was too short to reach my side of the bed.  But the Eroscillator comes with a 12 foot cord, which made masturbating before bedtime simple.

Our new toy came with four attachments – three of which were double-sided, giving us a grand total of seven clit teasers.  Mad Baker decided to experiment with each one, bring me to close to orgasm (but denying me the release) each time.

Just as nice as the attachments was the controls – a simple sliding button with three different power levels.  It astounded me that I was able to climax with the lowest setting (normally I am a heavy-stimulation girl).  And the highest setting was wickedly delightful!

The next night, when he was at work, I experimented again with all seven attachments.  More than 20 orgasms later, I was exhausted but sated, and still unable to decide which attachment was my favorite! More testing is called for ~snickers~

The Eroscillator is definately my new favorite toy in our collection (in fact, I am going to beg MB for permission to keep it at my bedside table rather than throwing it in the toybox to get tangled up in the ropes).

And so, dear readers – at the suggestion of both Mad Baker and Viktor,  I am going to leave you with this little (true) story of how the Eroscillator gave me release – and yet gave Mad Baker a different kind of release as well.

After he was done tormenting my lady bits with the Eroscillator, MB had helped me get ready for bed (trust me, I was NOT capable of moving on my own at that point).  I usually sleep with a fan on, and so he thoughtfully turned it on before reaching for the blankets.

Every nerve in my body was raw from the repeated orgasms and ministrations of our new toy – and the air flow from the fan was just too much stimulation.  To my shock, I climaxed – and climaxed again – and again…

I tried to beg MB to turn off the fan, but he was laughing too hard….I finally had to knock the thing over before I passed out from the overload to my senses!  I have NEVER had a toy that made me THAT sensitive to simple stimulation….and also, I haven’t seen Mad Baker laugh that hard in months.

It’s been three days since then, and he is STILL laughing whenever he thinks about it.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best toy on the market, the Eroscillator gets a 9 – the only reason it doesn’t get a ten is because it doesn’t have a dildo-like attachment – but then I looked online and found out that it can be bought separately.  If that works as well as I think it will, I will upgrade my score to a perfect 10.

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Microfantasy Monday

I have been reading other sex blogs where the lovely ladies (and some men) were borrowing the Sweltering Celt’s brainchild of “Microfantasy Monday”.

Basically, every week the Celt puts up a theme – and you are to write a sexy microfantasy based on that theme.  This week’s theme is “books”….

This time, as I knelt on the pillow to do my meditation ritual before “playtime”, Master stopped me and handed me a book.  “I want you to read a story from this book, and then tell me what you liked about the story – what turned you on – what made you wet…”  He grinned and left me kneeling on the pillow with the book in my hands.

Curious, I turned the book over to read the title –  “He’s on Top: Erotic Stories of Male Dominance and Female Submission”.  A grin spread across my face.  Mmmmmm, I was going to enjoy this!

You can find the Sweltering Celt on her blog, http://swelteringcelt.com/

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No such thing as a G-spot????

It has been all over the internet recently – a new study in Britain discovered that women don’t have a g-spot.  (http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/05/g.spot.sex.women/index.html)

Hmmm, then what is the little spot inside of me that makes me gush and scream and quake?

Seriously, a lot of women HAVE found a spot on the front wall of the vagina that has a different texture and  increased sensation.  So are the British researchers saying that those of us who have found this spot are lying?

I suspect there is going to be a lot of studies with conflicting results in future news articles.  In the meantime, a lot of women are going to be saying the same thing as the young woman in this comic:

Credit where credit is due – the comic above was found at  http://www.cad-comic.com/sillies/20100104

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New Year’s Resolutions

I have a lot of things I would like to get done this new year.  Some of it is logical and realistic, some of it isn’t.

REALISTIC  GOALS

1)  To lose 5lbs per month for a total of 60 lbs by the end of 2010.

2)  To become more domestic (yes I know that is a bit of a broad statement) – to learn to ENJOY being domestic, which is something I still struggle with.

3)  To bake yummy and wholesome things for the family every Sunday, enough to last through the whole week.

4)  To visit the gym five days a week, even if it is only for a 20 minute workout.  NO EXCUSES!

UNREALISTIC  GOALS

1)  To become a combination of Martha Stewart/June Cleaver (I’m actually more of a Roseanne/Peg Bundy type – naw, just kidding!)

2)  To be able to do 20 hours of work in a 16 hour day – every day.

3)  To be flexible enough for Mad Baker to bind me in more interesting positions (and this one might get moved to the “realistic goal” list, who knows?)

I have other goals that are not so neatly written down…a vague yearning to grow more submissive in many different ways, not a specific type of behavior, more of an ideal mindset kind of thing….a little guilty voice in my head that blows my parenting failures WAY out of proportion, and urges me to become the “perfect” mom  (and yes I said “parenting failures” – any parent who claims to never had made a mistake in parenting, well, they’re lying!).

I have another voice that fairly reeks of low self-esteem, but I think I share this voice with every other person on the planet.  That voice insists that I am a poor lover and that my partners would rather be with ANYONE else than me.  Now, I know better, but that doesn’t make the voice any quieter, and so one of my quiet little non-official goals is to become a better lover, more willing to experiment and able to last longer during a scene.

I am going to focus hard on these goals this year, and not drop them like I usually do in late February or early March.  This time I am going to hold out for the whole year – THAT is the biggest goal of all.

Leave me a comment, share your goals for the new year – perhaps we can keep each other accountable.

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